A Few that Feel a lot

Your whole life, people create these insane expectations for the ‘perfect’ relationship that you are going to have when you’re in your twenties. They tell you that you’ll meet your prince charming, get married, have kids and live happily ever after.

Needless to say that the times when our parents fell in love in such a simple and pure way are far from over.

There are little to no people who want a relationship nowadays and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! Being in a committed and exclusively monogamous relationship with someone is a lot of work and takes up a lot of time that no one really has to give.

Plus, let’s also not forget that people are afraid to expose themselves to feelings. As soon as a hint of love appears in their emotional distance, they run away.

Some of those people, have been hurt too many times and are afraid to fall in the rabbit hole of love all over again. Others, just look at being in love as being trapped in a vicious circle called ‘a relationship. They are so attached to the sweetness of their freedom, that giving it up seems absurd and too restraining.

Then, there’s the extreme opposite of people obsessively craving to be in a relationship and fall in love to validate themselves. Since insecurity is something that’s cultivated in today’s society, I am not surprised that this is a thing.

We are a generation of extremes and all of these types of people I just described are to be expected to exist.

The million dollar question, however, is this: What is going to happen to all of those who are in between the extremes? The ones, who just want to fall in love and be with someone just because being in love is one of the best feelings one can experience. They want to fall in love, not for selfish reasons of self-validation, but because they genuinely enjoy giving it to someone who matters to them and deserves that love.

There’s no desperation or rush in that ‘wanting’ to be in love. Whenever life is ready to offer them this feeling to share with someone, they’ll be content.

The sad and unfortunate part is, that there are very few people who feel this way. Most of the time they’re referred to as “hopeless romantics”. ‘Hopeless’, because there’s no hope that they’ll find this dream-like feeling. There’s no hope because something more than a one-night-stand or a friends-with-benefits type of situation is unlikely to happen in our age and generation.

I don’t like being cynical, but I enjoy calling things as they are.

Prioritize yourself and love, because, at one point, there’s going to be nothing emotionally fulfilling in sleeping with a different person every day.

Closing One Door

Saying goodbye to the past takes a lot of courage. It’s like jumping in the ocean without wearing a life jacket, without holding onto the anchor of the past. It’s liberating to let go, move on.

Before I fall in the ocean, before I close this door, I have some things to throw away and some things to keep. I’m throwing away the fights, the pain, the tears, the doubts, the distance… I’m just left with the love and all those good moments filling my heart. The love has faded away, turned into stardust kissing the night sky. The moments, these tangible events of our lives, are still vibrant in my head. I’ll keep them in my pocket of my gray distressed jeans, next to my home keys. When I’m old and need some company, some warmth, I’ll laugh at how faded they will look, not believing that they were my life then…

Enough of the future; it’s not here yet.

I’ve closed this door, filled with items that are bruised from Time’s hand, with songs I’ll never listen to again and clothes I won’t be wearing. Months have passed and I haven’t opened it to take a peek. I don’t think I will be opening it anytime soon, to be honest.

I’ve been walking in Life’s corridors, not looking behind, only forward. Doors I never expected open along the way and I’m ready, I’ve been ready, to step in.

Right Foot First.

The Scorpion Must Sting

A phrase that has stuck in my head since I saw one of those mainstream superhero movies, ‘Superwoman’…  Surprisingly enough, I really enjoyed it but that is not the point.

I realized that I am the Scorpion the Amazons were referring to when talking about themselves as powerful warriors. I am the Scorpion and I must sting. I must sting life back as hard as I can. Even though the Scorpion is a small insect, I am powerful enough to achieve everything I want including happiness; for, after all, the only thing I want from this life is to be happy.

The Scorpion doesn’t let anyone get in the way of its goals. Everything and anything trying to stop it from completing its ultimate quest gets stung.

I am this powerful Scorpion and I will sting anything trying to stop me from reaching happiness.

Strangely, feeling like a stunning deadly insect feels empowering. To be honest, hitting rock bottom for the second time was draining…. But the good thing about hitting rock bottom is that there’s only one way to go. I am now stronger than I have ever been. I am happy, I am strong and I am fierce… I am a Scorpion.

Try to cross me and I’ll be ruthless.

Tormented but Hopeful

And I’m looking at all the pictures online of those girls you know and I can’t help but wonder… is she or she or she one of the reasons why you left me? Her eyes seem like the kind you like… is this the case? Is her thin and tall body your new sanctuary? Is her voice your new safe haven?

What is wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough for you? Wasn’t my infinite love and support enough? It appears not… or you’d still be with me, you’d still love me. What more could I have done?

Thoughts like these torture me late at night when everyone else is asleep. Instead of dreaming, I’m awake thinking and wondering why I wasn’t enough and what went wrong. My voice echoes in my mind, repeating these questions again and again and again… My heart aches… I end up falling asleep around 2:30 in the morning, mostly from exhausting myself. Waking up has become a chore in itself. I wake up every morning and I am already tired. Every dreamless night strains my energy and my happiness. How much more do I have left? Despite that, I make myself busy, hoping that tonight won’t be the same, that my thoughts won’t torment me anymore. It’s a struggle but I put on a smile no matter what, hoping it won’t leave my face by the time the lights are out. Hope, I’ve realized, is the strongest force on earth and is, indeed, what keeps me alive and going every day that goes by.

Who knows? Maybe one of these days I will be able to effortlessly smile again.