Emotions: A Creative Mess

Ever-fluctuating, deep-set monster in my chest. Her name is Depression and she finds some kind of sadistic happiness when there’s no air left in my lungs, when my heart beats faster than the war drums of African tribes. She finds pleasure in me staring into the distance, the prettiest view of the bluest blues laying in front of my eyes and, while others would be overjoyed, there’s a sort of blank feeling hanging about in the depths of my soul.

You see, I am incapable of understanding my own soul, yet I feel a part of it missing.

My attempt at explaining to you this thing that’s going on somewhere here, in my mind (for those of you that don’t believe in the concept of the ‘soul’) is obviously a not-very-successful-one, but I’m trying. Just like I’m trying to wake up every day thinking “Today I will feel pure joy again. Today’s going to be different.” If I pressure myself a little more, if I damage my monster enough for it to hide for a few seconds, I feel a little happy. Or, I don’t know if it’s happiness I feel. I can’t distinguish feelings anymore. Everything feels a little… stale, a little oversaturated, lost in the midst of this nothingness.

I don’t want to get into detail as to why I feel like this. After all, it’s one of those “why’s” that can’t really change. The things in one’s life that are unalterable should not be talked about, because then, a feeling of longing for the unattainable solution is created. That particular type of longing is pointless. It’s the ultimate creator of internal torture.

And who needs more monsters sabotaging their life?

After ruling out the unattainable solution to protect myself, there’s a feeling of uselessness emerging and a myriad of questions following along: “Why can’t I help myself?”, “I love helping others, giving them solutions to their problems, but why can’t I find a solution to this mind-numbing abyss?”,” Why can’t I pressure myself into being happy?…”

And so on and so forth.

Emotions are a deeply personal and complex thing and I absolutely despise oversimplifying them like this. In reality, everything I’ve just described is the tip of an indescribably monstrous iceberg. Or, maybe, it is describable to an extent, but I don’t really want to get into depths I won’t be able to pull myself out of.

For the moment, life has come full circle. It feels like I’ve been walking into life’s corridors for centuries, entering doors as I walk and, inevitably exiting. I’ve left a couple open, but most of them are firmly shut and will remain that way. Whenever I enter those corridors again, I always plummet into darkness. I used to always look for light in the doors surrounding me, but I’m tired of opening a gleaming door and closing it after a while. It is, frankly,  draining. That’s why I’ve given up. I don’t like a temporary light if I know it’s going to be dark again in a short while. It’s so much effort even opening the door, laying the bare self, unprotected,  vulnerable into a light that, who knows if it’s ever going to go out.

Darkness has a comfortable quality to it and that’s why it is my preferred place to be. I’ll let you say the constantly-repeated “Nothing ever grows in a comfort zone”, since, well, I do. I sit there until I can grow flowers again; until I become the Flower: the crimson rose; until I have the strength to open another door again.

 

A Few that Feel a lot

Your whole life, people create these insane expectations for the ‘perfect’ relationship that you are going to have when you’re in your twenties. They tell you that you’ll meet your prince charming, get married, have kids and live happily ever after.

Needless to say that the times when our parents fell in love in such a simple and pure way are far from over.

There are little to no people who want a relationship nowadays and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! Being in a committed and exclusively monogamous relationship with someone is a lot of work and takes up a lot of time that no one really has to give.

Plus, let’s also not forget that people are afraid to expose themselves to feelings. As soon as a hint of love appears in their emotional distance, they run away.

Some of those people, have been hurt too many times and are afraid to fall in the rabbit hole of love all over again. Others, just look at being in love as being trapped in a vicious circle called ‘a relationship. They are so attached to the sweetness of their freedom, that giving it up seems absurd and too restraining.

Then, there’s the extreme opposite of people obsessively craving to be in a relationship and fall in love to validate themselves. Since insecurity is something that’s cultivated in today’s society, I am not surprised that this is a thing.

We are a generation of extremes and all of these types of people I just described are to be expected to exist.

The million dollar question, however, is this: What is going to happen to all of those who are in between the extremes? The ones, who just want to fall in love and be with someone just because being in love is one of the best feelings one can experience. They want to fall in love, not for selfish reasons of self-validation, but because they genuinely enjoy giving it to someone who matters to them and deserves that love.

There’s no desperation or rush in that ‘wanting’ to be in love. Whenever life is ready to offer them this feeling to share with someone, they’ll be content.

The sad and unfortunate part is, that there are very few people who feel this way. Most of the time they’re referred to as “hopeless romantics”. ‘Hopeless’, because there’s no hope that they’ll find this dream-like feeling. There’s no hope because something more than a one-night-stand or a friends-with-benefits type of situation is unlikely to happen in our age and generation.

I don’t like being cynical, but I enjoy calling things as they are.

Prioritize yourself and love, because, at one point, there’s going to be nothing emotionally fulfilling in sleeping with a different person every day.

Emotional Numbness

Or ‘numbing mode’. I read somewhere online that this is what happens to people who have gone through a long period of grief.

Grief. You don’t need to cry to grieve someone’s departure from your life. It can happen even when you don’t realize it. Hearing a word, seeing a rose, listening to a song or even a specific language, can trigger grief.  It stings a little bit every time something like this happens and you’re left with a gigantic wound somewhere in your heart. Again. Only this time, the wound is numb.

This damn thing that gushes memories and not blood, hurts when you least expect it; when you thought three-quarters of a year was enough. Well, apparently they are not.

Feeling nothing is not that bad. You just need to get used to this nothingness. You’re trying so hard to feel something. Maybe a little bit of pain, but there’s nothing there. There’s only physical pain that works, but I don’t want to come close to losing my life to steal a few feelings.

So, I will just stand here, holding a void of feelings in my hands, distancing myself from everything and everyone that makes me feel nothing.

Maybe distance is the ultimate cure for emotional nothingness. Even if this distance is only 74.8 kilometers.

 

Different Ingredients

Sometimes things just

Don’t

Work

Out.

Conversations lead to arguments leading to realizations. People grow up differently and thus have different beliefs, even if their values are the same. This is absolutely okay, however. People are ingredients in the recipe of life. Some them just don’t mix together. You know, I’m not sad that we don’t make a fit, even though I wish we did. There’s someone out there for both of us, someone that will make life’s recipe a tad bit sweeter.

Until we find our complementary ingredient, though, we both need to find ourselves. Truth is, that I am lost. I’m trying to understand who I am every single day, surprising myself along the way. I’m realizing how strong and how stubborn I am. In this journey of life, I’m trying to fall in love with myself, trying to accept my weaknesses and my greatest powers. It will take a while, but I am ready to start discovering who this person is, that I am.

Maybe… Just maybe… I am the only ingredient I need.

Closing One Door

Saying goodbye to the past takes a lot of courage. It’s like jumping in the ocean without wearing a life jacket, without holding onto the anchor of the past. It’s liberating to let go, move on.

Before I fall in the ocean, before I close this door, I have some things to throw away and some things to keep. I’m throwing away the fights, the pain, the tears, the doubts, the distance… I’m just left with the love and all those good moments filling my heart. The love has faded away, turned into stardust kissing the night sky. The moments, these tangible events of our lives, are still vibrant in my head. I’ll keep them in my pocket of my gray distressed jeans, next to my home keys. When I’m old and need some company, some warmth, I’ll laugh at how faded they will look, not believing that they were my life then…

Enough of the future; it’s not here yet.

I’ve closed this door, filled with items that are bruised from Time’s hand, with songs I’ll never listen to again and clothes I won’t be wearing. Months have passed and I haven’t opened it to take a peek. I don’t think I will be opening it anytime soon, to be honest.

I’ve been walking in Life’s corridors, not looking behind, only forward. Doors I never expected open along the way and I’m ready, I’ve been ready, to step in.

Right Foot First.