Emotions: A Creative Mess

Ever-fluctuating, deep-set monster in my chest. Her name is Depression and she finds some kind of sadistic happiness when there’s no air left in my lungs, when my heart beats faster than the war drums of African tribes. She finds pleasure in me staring into the distance, the prettiest view of the bluest blues laying in front of my eyes and, while others would be overjoyed, there’s a sort of blank feeling hanging about in the depths of my soul.

You see, I am incapable of understanding my own soul, yet I feel a part of it missing.

My attempt at explaining to you this thing that’s going on somewhere here, in my mind (for those of you that don’t believe in the concept of the ‘soul’) is obviously a not-very-successful-one, but I’m trying. Just like I’m trying to wake up every day thinking “Today I will feel pure joy again. Today’s going to be different.” If I pressure myself a little more, if I damage my monster enough for it to hide for a few seconds, I feel a little happy. Or, I don’t know if it’s happiness I feel. I can’t distinguish feelings anymore. Everything feels a little… stale, a little oversaturated, lost in the midst of this nothingness.

I don’t want to get into detail as to why I feel like this. After all, it’s one of those “why’s” that can’t really change. The things in one’s life that are unalterable should not be talked about, because then, a feeling of longing for the unattainable solution is created. That particular type of longing is pointless. It’s the ultimate creator of internal torture.

And who needs more monsters sabotaging their life?

After ruling out the unattainable solution to protect myself, there’s a feeling of uselessness emerging and a myriad of questions following along: “Why can’t I help myself?”, “I love helping others, giving them solutions to their problems, but why can’t I find a solution to this mind-numbing abyss?”,” Why can’t I pressure myself into being happy?…”

And so on and so forth.

Emotions are a deeply personal and complex thing and I absolutely despise oversimplifying them like this. In reality, everything I’ve just described is the tip of an indescribably monstrous iceberg. Or, maybe, it is describable to an extent, but I don’t really want to get into depths I won’t be able to pull myself out of.

For the moment, life has come full circle. It feels like I’ve been walking into life’s corridors for centuries, entering doors as I walk and, inevitably exiting. I’ve left a couple open, but most of them are firmly shut and will remain that way. Whenever I enter those corridors again, I always plummet into darkness. I used to always look for light in the doors surrounding me, but I’m tired of opening a gleaming door and closing it after a while. It is, frankly,  draining. That’s why I’ve given up. I don’t like a temporary light if I know it’s going to be dark again in a short while. It’s so much effort even opening the door, laying the bare self, unprotected,  vulnerable into a light that, who knows if it’s ever going to go out.

Darkness has a comfortable quality to it and that’s why it is my preferred place to be. I’ll let you say the constantly-repeated “Nothing ever grows in a comfort zone”, since, well, I do. I sit there until I can grow flowers again; until I become the Flower: the crimson rose; until I have the strength to open another door again.


Superficial Beauty

“If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just ‘congratulations about your face.'” (John Mayer)

“You look beautiful”, says the man you met about ten minutes ago in the bar. You feel flattered, don’t you? A strange man recognizing that you look attractive. It boosts your confidence, but… haven’t you heard it about a thousand times? Aren’t you sick of hearing the same compliment by someone whose only goal is to get you in bed on the very same night?

Because I know I am.

We pay so much attention to external beauty that we forget of intelligence, of humor, of kindness.  I assume that you’ve never heard “You are very intelligent” as a pick-up line. And if you have, you must have found it extremely odd, right? Truth is, you must know someone a little longer than ten minutes to receive that type of compliment. So one’s last resort is to compliment another’s external ‘show’.

“Isn’t ‘show’ a strange and offensive word to use to describe someone’s attractiveness?”, you might ask. No, it is not. Let me break your veil of ignorance for a moment:

Women spend about two to three hours getting ready for a night out. They spend ages doing their makeup, selecting the perfect figure-hugging outfit, giving their hair an “I just got out of bed”-look. They essentially become someone else to be fed to the naked eye of a man who will, potentially, be attracted to them and approach them. So much work put into a manifestation of a superficial show, just to attract someone’s attention for a moment.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad with wanting to feel nice and taking care of yourself. But, what happened to doing something that is going to make your mental horizons irresistible? What happened to being mentally attracted to someone while also being physically attracted to them?  Allow me to let you in on what happened to it, because apparently, it took an exit to the left when people realized that superficial beauty is the only way to get someone in bed with you as fast as possible.

To be fair, you can’t get to know someone and be attracted to their mind or their mesmerizing personality only by talking to them for an hour. You need a lot more time to realize that.

The thing is that there’s so much expectation from society to look a certain way in order for someone to notice you and tell you that you’re pretty. There’s a tendency to overlook what lies beyond a good looking face. It is lost in between layers of makeup and meaningless small-talk conversations.

My advice? Don’t try so hard. After all, makeup washes off, tight clothes become pajamas, hair goes into a messy bun and contact lenses are replaced by dorky glasses… Few people will stay then. Only the ones who have gotten a real taste of who you are. The ones who have gotten to know how kind, loving, intelligent and generous you are.

Keep those people close, for they have managed to look beyond the ‘show’, beyond your zealous contribution to the game of attraction, beyond beauté superficielle. To them, you will be truly beautiful and it won’t just be “Congratulations [for] your face.”