Or ‘numbing mode’. I read somewhere online that this is what happens to people who have gone through a long period of grief.
Grief. You don’t need to cry to grieve someone’s departure from your life. It can happen even when you don’t realize it. Hearing a word, seeing a rose, listening to a song or even a specific language, can trigger grief. It stings a little bit every time something like this happens and you’re left with a gigantic wound somewhere in your heart. Again. Only this time, the wound is numb.
This damn thing that gushes memories and not blood, hurts when you least expect it; when you thought three-quarters of a year was enough. Well, apparently they are not.
Feeling nothing is not that bad. You just need to get used to this nothingness. You’re trying so hard to feel something. Maybe a little bit of pain, but there’s nothing there. There’s only physical pain that works, but I don’t want to come close to losing my life to steal a few feelings.
So, I will just stand here, holding a void of feelings in my hands, distancing myself from everything and everyone that makes me feel nothing.
Maybe distance is the ultimate cure for emotional nothingness. Even if this distance is only 74.8 kilometers.