Tormented but Hopeful

And I’m looking at all the pictures online of those girls you know and I can’t help but wonder… is she or she or she one of the reasons why you left me? Her eyes seem like the kind you like… is this the case? Is her thin and tall body your new sanctuary? Is her voice your new safe haven?

What is wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough for you? Wasn’t my infinite love and support enough? It appears not… or you’d still be with me, you’d still love me. What more could I have done?

Thoughts like these torture me late at night when everyone else is asleep. Instead of dreaming, I’m awake thinking and wondering why I wasn’t enough and what went wrong. My voice echoes in my mind, repeating these questions again and again and again… My heart aches… I end up falling asleep around 2:30 in the morning, mostly from exhausting myself. Waking up has become a chore in itself. I wake up every morning and I am already tired. Every dreamless night strains my energy and my happiness. How much more do I have left? Despite that, I make myself busy, hoping that tonight won’t be the same, that my thoughts won’t torment me anymore. It’s a struggle but I put on a smile no matter what, hoping it won’t leave my face by the time the lights are out. Hope, I’ve realized, is the strongest force on earth and is, indeed, what keeps me alive and going every day that goes by.

Who knows? Maybe one of these days I will be able to effortlessly smile again.

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